


Steve and Bucky vs. The Great Outdoors

by CaptainSteeb



Series: Steve and Bucky Try To Function [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bears, Camping, Catholic Steve Rogers, Fluff, Gen, Grumpy Bucky Barnes, He's trying so hard, Humor, M/M, Mosquitos, News Media, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, Sweet Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:53:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25852426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainSteeb/pseuds/CaptainSteeb
Summary: Steve and Bucky are urged to go camping after a media mishap. Steve tries his best to make it enjoyable. Bucky is reluctant.Nature is a bitch.----“I did plenty of camping in Western Europe with the Nazis breathin’ down my neck, Steve. What do I wanna lay outside in a tent for, gettin’ chewed up by bugs and poison ivy up my ass?”
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Steve and Bucky Try To Function [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1765621
Comments: 70
Kudos: 169





	1. Breaking News: Married Couple Has Minor Argument

**Author's Note:**

> Bad language, a bit of comical violence. Minor villain death.

“Forgive me. Father, for I have sinned,” Steve said tersely. “It has been, uh—“

“Eight days,” Father Walsh interjected gently with a deep, deep sigh. “Eight days.”

“Eight days since my last confession,” Steve mumbled. “I, uh. I did a few things?”

“Please,” Father Walsh interrupted, “tell me your sins, my son. At least today’s sins. Actually—maybe _just_ today’s sins. I have to get out of here by five.”

“But I _did_ some things,” Steve repeated helplessly.

Father Walsh closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a few long moments. Steve shifted around on his kneeler and picked at a scab on his lower lip.“I think it would be healthy for you to get out of the city for a few days,” Father Walsh said at last. “Have you been able to get outside and commune with nature lately? Nature is one of the best ways to grow closer to the Lord.”

Steve shrugged. “I beat up a guy in Central Park last week.”

“That’s not—!” Father Walsh exclaimed, cutting himself off with another sigh. “That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about leaving the city entirely. Camping, maybe? It would be good for you to get away from all of this violence for a while. It’s not healthy to be surrounded by so much violence all the time.”

“Camping,” Steve repeated thoughtfully. “Hm. I’ll have to ask Bucky.”

——

“No fuckin’ way.”

“Aw, c’mon, Buck!”

“No!” Bucky, who had been out on a shopping spree with Thor, put down his Neiman Marcus bags and allowed Steve to gather him up into a hug.

Steve gave his husband a squeeze before releasing him with a pout: “C’mon, just a couple days!”

“No.” Bucky fished a plaid shirt out of one of the shopping bags and held it up to Steve’s chest speculatively. “Hm. I think you can pull off this color better than I can.”

“It’ll be fun!” Steve pulled off his t-shirt and allowed Bucky to dress him in the new top. “Father Walsh told me to go camping cause it’ll help me get in touch with nature.”

“I did plenty of fucking camping in Western Europe with the Nazis breathin’ down my neck, Steve. What do I wanna lay outside in a tent for, gettin’ chewed up by bugs and poison ivy up my ass?” Bucky buttoned up the flannel and smoothed his hands down Steve’s arms. “There. Grow out your beard for a couple weeks and you’ll look like a lumberjack.”

“I don’t wanna look like a lumberjack!”

“I want the beard back!”

“Too bad!”

“Oh, you’re such an—” Bucky was cut off by their phones, which both chimed out an Avengers Alert. They looked at each other and groaned.

“I just got my hair done,” Bucky grumped, pulling his phone out of his back pocket and squinting down at it. “Oh great, it’s that asshole who flies around and shoots lasers out of his eyes. He’s attacking a hot dog vendor in Central Park.”

“Why do they always gotta go after the hot dog vendors?” Steve complained, grabbing his shield and leading them upstairs to the Quinjet. They were greeted by a bored-looking Natasha, an excited Thor, and a hungover Tony.

“Where’s everyone else?” Steve asked, looking around.

“Clint’s in Cabo,” Natasha responded, picking something out of her teeth with the end of a mean-looking gutting knife. “Sam is with Sharon upstate. Bruce is high.”

“Great,” Bucky scowled.

“I’m not happy about it either, emo boy,” Tony snarked as they all hauled themselves into the jet. He did a double-take in Steve’s direction. “Wow, Steve. That shirt looks _really_ good on you—”

“Can you stop being thirsty for one second?” Natasha interrupted, collapsing into the pilot’s seat. “You’re married. Barnes is gonna cut your dick off.”

“Nay!” Thor said. “Always go for the head, ’tis most effective!”

“Thanks for the backup, team,” Tony grumbled, not taking his eyes off Steve’s chest. Steve glanced down and saw that, when he stood up straight, the buttons strained a bit around his pecs. Blushing, he crossed his arms and hunched down. Bucky sat down in one of the passenger seats and pulled out a handgun from his boot, eyes dark and unblinking as he stared at Tony.

“Okay, wow, just gonna,” Tony tapped his chest and let his armor crawl over his body and cover his face, “suit up here and shut my mouth.”

Steve learned into Bucky and rested his eyes on the short flight over to the park. The villain of the day was easy enough to spot, with his ridiculous American-flag themed cape billowing behind him as he hovered in the air over a cowering hotdog vendor. Natasha landed the jet a couple dozen feet away from the man and they all followed Steve out, ready for a confrontation.

The villain immediately launched into a deluded speech about how he was the savior of all mankind and how he was going to fix the world with his great and terrible power. Steve was growing bored of the man’s speech when Bucky sidled up next to him and began to whisper:

“You think we can get free hotdogs off of that fella after we kick Crazy’s ass?”

“Buck,” Steve scowled.

“What? They’re kosher, see, there’s a sign.”

“You think that’s what I’m worried about right now?”

“Free food is free food, Stevie.”

“I ain’t takin’ free food offa that poor guy!” Steve hissed. “We got plenty of money! This damn shirt you got me probably costs what he makes in a day!”

“I’m just _sayin’_ ,” Bucky huffed, scowling behind his terrifying Winter Soldier mask.

“It ain’t the depression no more! Cheap-ass!”

“Oh, I’m the cheap one? I ain’t the one who haggles with the potato guy at the farmer’s market every week! Can’t be fucked to pay one dollar for three russets; gotta get him down to ninety cents!”

“Hey! You two cocksuckers, are you listening to me?!”

Steve jerked his attention back to the villain, who was scowling down at him, eyes glowing red. “What did you just say?” he asked, flabbergasted.

Bucky puffed up with outrage. “Did that motherfucker just call us _cocksuckers_?”

“I tire of this farce!” boomed Thor’s voice from behind them.

A second later Mjolnir had taken the villain’s head clean off his body.

“Oh,” Bucky said as blood rained down upon the hotdog stand and its screaming owner. “Guess we ain’t getting any free food.”

——

@APNews: Avengers thwart villain in Central Park, but are Rogers and Barnes experiencing a hiccup in marital bliss?

@CNN: Rogers and Barnes argue during confrontation in Central Park. Divorce imminent, sources say.

@DailyBugle #StuckyFight trending worldwide as Captain America and Winter Soldier are caught bickering on camera! Exclusive footage!

——

“Our PR gal says we ought to get out of town for a while, let things clear up,” Bucky said, entering their bedroom wearing only a towel and puffing away on a cigarette. He plopped down on the bed next to Steve and let his husband embrace him tightly.

“See? Camping,” Steve said, face buried in Bucky’s neck.

“Camping is shit, Stevie. Can’t we go somewhere neat? Tony has a condo in Sicily.”

“Aw, Buck.” Steve turned a pair of big blue puppy dog eyes on him.

“Stevie,” Bucky whined back, flopping down on the bed and dragging Steve along with him. “We just gotta go somewhere for a little while so all this divorce shit blows over. Can’t it at least be fun? How about Hawaii?”

“Too hot.”

“Alaska?”

“Too cold.”

“Paris?”

“Too French.” Steve drew back to pout very prettily up at his husband, long eyelashes fluttering on his cheeks. “Just a couple days, Buck. Father Walsh said it’ll be good for me.”

“Ugh.” Bucky glared at the ceiling, letting one hand run through Steve’s soft blond hair and using the other hand to scratch at his own balls. “Fine, but I’m borrowing one of Banner’s crazy telescopes to look at the stars. Might as well do something while we’re gettin’ chewed up by mosquitoes.”

“Buck!” Steve said happily, leaning up to cover Bucky’s face in kisses. “Don’t worry. It’ll be real fun.”

“Yeah,” Bucky sighed, “where have I heard that line before?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> winterbarnes figured out who the villain is— Homelander from The Boys! If you want to watch a hyper-violent deconstruction of superhero tropes, I would absolutely recommend.  
> Here’s a video of Homelander being the best villain: (NSFW for language) https://youtu.be/4YAtiQfzMhc


	2. Gone Fishin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: Wee bit of body horror in this part. Probably won't bother anyone, but if you want a more detailed explanation, read end notes.

“Okay,” Bucky said, slapping the top onto a Tupperware container with a satisfied smile, “Stevie. I packed us some snacks, some pretzels and peanuts. Bread, chips, those fuckin’ pork rinds that give you gas. Fruit,” he held up a ziplock full of apples and oranges, “meal replacement bars. Chocolate. And I got a whole pan of macaroni and cheese here.” Bucky tapped a foil-covered dish, which only had a corner missing from where Tony had managed to steal a spoonful of the noodles. “This should keep until lunch.”

“Alright, Winifred.”

“Don’t make fun. We both know you’re going to be hungry in an hour and I don’t need you gettin’ all ornery and mean.”

Steve closed the trunk of the SUV that Tony had let them borrow and hauled himself up into the passenger seat. Bucky, clad in a lime green _Brooklyn Bitch_ hoodie and a pair of sunglasses, slid into the driver’s side and had to fold himself into the seat.

“Stark’s so fuckin’ short! Look how short he is, Stevie!” Bucky was crammed into the car, laughing as he reached down to adjust the seat. Steve snorted and poked at the touchscreen, setting their route into the navigation app. It would take them several hours to get to their destination in the Adirondacks, so he slipped his own pair of sunglasses on and reclined his seat, ready to take a nap.

“Lazy bones,” Bucky teased.

“What, you wanna play a road game or something?”

“Nah, but you can at least look up what kind of bugs are gonna be up there. Make yourself useful.”

“Buck.” Steve gestured toward one of the backpacks Bucky had packed for the trip. “I think you packed enough bug spray to get us through the goddamned Amazon if need be.”

“I don’t want to get chewed up by bugs!” Bucky stretched and popped his neck once they hit a red light. “Remember when we had to fight that big purple guy upstate and I got bites all over my legs?”

Steve reached over and rubbed at Bucky’s neck. “Oh yeah, the guy Thor decapitated? You got bit up cause you wore shorts to the mission like a nitwit.”

“It was hot.” Bucky sighed and turned his head to kiss Steve’s fingers.

Steve glanced around the sighed at the traffic. “At least we can get out of the city for a few days. Maybe it’ll be good for us.”

——

They got up to their campsite with only one incident of road rage, wherein some guy with “Coexist” stickers all over his Prius had tailgated them and Bucky had break-blocked him, leading to a tango of cutting off and middle fingers until Steve had had enough and made Bucky pull over into a gas station. After he’d fed Bucky a candy bar and a slushy, they had pulled back onto the road and made their way to the campsite.

They drove around for a bit before deciding upon a nice little clearing not far away from a lake. Bucky pulled the SUV right up to the spot and popped the trunk.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to park here,” Steve said dubiously.

“Do I look like I give a fuck?”

Steve looked over at Bucky, who had a cigarette in one hand and his slushy in the other. “No.”

“Then let’s go.”

Steve huffed and slid out of the car, walking around back to grab his shield and hoist it onto his arm. “I’m doing a perimeter search. You start on the tent.”

“We ain’t in Nazi Germany,” Bucky said, snatching the shield away from Steve and tossing it back into the SUV. “You think there’s a Nazi mosquito army out here or something?” He pulled his hoodie off so he was only wearing a tight black tank top and grabbed his bug spray backpack out of the back. “Turn around.”

“No.”

Bucky took a drag of his cigarette and puffed it out slowly, eyes rolling up to the heavens. “Turn around and let me get your back.”

“No! I don’t like how it smells!”

“Fine!” Bucky popped the lid off the spray and set to coating himself thoroughly in the concoction. “Then I don’t wanna hear about it later when you’re all chewed up by flies and mosquitoes.”

“Now _you_ stink.” Steve pulled the tent out of the trunk and walked over to a nice little grassy spot and plopped it down. “Come help me set this thing up.”

“No can do,” Bucky responded. He had made himself comfortable on the edge of the car, pan of mac and cheese in one hand and the other spooning it into his mouth. “Gotta fill the tank.”

“Ugh, I can’t stand when you say that.” Steve walked over and allowed Bucky to feed him a few spoonfuls. “Mm. Jalapeño this time? S’good.”

“Knew you’d like it after you went to town on those burritos last week.”

Steve glanced over at the tent, grimaced, and slid onto the truck next to Bucky, accepting a few more spoonfuls of cheesy delight. “Is this okay, Buck?”

“Hm?”

“Being out here. It’s not bothering you, not reminding you of the war?”

Bucky made a little wounded noise and reached over to pet Steve’s hair. “Of course not,” he soothed. “Sweet thing. This is nothing like the war. C’mon,” he said, giving the last spoonful to Steve and getting to his feet, “let’s go set up that fancy tent Stark gave us.”

——

The fancy tent was surprisingly easy to set up with just the push of a button. It was way too big and ostentatious, but Steve supposed it was better than the pup tents they’d had during the war.

“What do we do now?” Bucky asked.

“I dunno.” Steve looked around at the silent, peaceful wilderness. There wasn’t anything to fight, he thought wistfully. “We can go fishing?”

“I guess.” Bucky went over to the car and grabbed their StarkTech fishing poles out of the trunk. “Jesus, look at these things. Why do they have so many gizmos on them?”

“Typical over-engineered stuff from Tony,” Steve said as he accepted one of the poles from Bucky. He poked at it and jumped back when it lit up neon green. “What happened to just usin’ a stick and a line?” He popped open the tackle box and examined the various bright lures. “What color do you want?”

“I want a fuckin’ worm, is what I want.” Bucky crouched down and began to dig under a dampened bush with his metal hand. “Here, I found some. Bring me a container.” Steve gave him the tackle box and Bucky picked a few wriggling worms out of the soil, dropping them into the container on top of the other lures.

Steve shuddered. “That’s gross, Buck.”

“I ain’t using Stark’s computer lures.” Once he’d gotten ten worms, Bucky clicked the box closed and stood up. “C’mon, get’s go down to the lake.”

They made it to the quiet, clear lake in a few minutes and situated themselves on a couple of boulders. Bucky impaled a worm onto his hook and Steve fought with one of Stark’s fancy lures.

“I don’t understand,” Steve said, trying to jam the lure onto the hook. “Buck.”

“Just use a worm.”

“I don’t wanna.”

Bucky pursed his lips. “You’re just too chicken to touch one of ‘em,” he said, grabbing a worm out of the box and tossing it onto Steve’s lap.

“ _Buck!_ ” Steve wriggled around, flailing, and Bucky watched for a little while before he grabbed the worm and put it onto Steve’s hook himself.

“I dunno how you get through the day sometimes, babydoll.”

“Shut up, Barnes!” Steve huffed and puffed for a few minutes, examining the buttons on his pole with shrewd eyes. “Um, so, how do you…” Steve muttered, trying to get the line to release so he could cast it into the water. “How does it release?”

“Must be one of these buttons.” Bucky poked around at the pole but couldn’t find a release button. “Dammit, Stark. Who needs a touchscreen on a goddamned fishing pole?”

“I’m gonna call him.” Steve pulled out his phone and dialed Stark’s number, putting him on speaker once he answered.

“What do you need, sweetheart?” Stark asked offhandedly. Bucky scowled.

“Don’t call me that. I can’t figure out how to release my pole.”

Stark was very quiet. “Huh?” he stammered at last, voice shaky.

“How do I do it?” Steve asked patiently. “Should I push a button? It’s really hard, Tony.”

“I can’t do this! I’m a married man!” Stark wailed. The phone beeped once he hung up.

Steve stared at the phone, eyes wide, then slowly slid it back into his pocket. “Okay,” he said slowly. “Maybe he forgot? I can’t get a read on him sometimes.”

“My sweet, innocent baby. Never change.” Resigned, Bucky jabbed at the fishing pole and let out a little scream when he finally found the correct button, sending the hook shooting into the water dozens of feet away at a dangerous speed. “Holy shit!”

“Which button did you push?” Steve asked. Bucky was about to answer when Steve’s little blond head decided to just push everything at once while aiming the pole toward Bucky. The hook shot out at him and he raised his metal arm just in time to stop himself from being garroted by a fishing line.

“Idiot!”

“I'm sorry, Buck!”

“Fuck, Stevie!” Bucky unwound the fishing line from his arm and unjammed the hook from one of the metal plates. “Master tactician, my ass!”

“Buck,” Steve said, all kicked-puppy.

“Don’t give me that look.” Bucky looked around for Steve’s worm and couldn’t find it, so he crammed another one onto the hook and made a point of turning Steve’s fishing pole away from him. “Here, reel it in and try again. The things I put up with!”

Bashfully, Steve fidgeted with the gadget until he figured out how to cast properly. He sent his line into the water and leaned back with a loud exhale.

“So what now?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow. “Now we wait for fish. What else did you think this was gonna be?”

“I dunno.” Steve adjusted his legs so he was sitting crisscross and began to bounce one of his knees. “Do you have that map of the area? Maybe I could—”

“No. It’s in the car.” Bucky laid back on the rock and pillowed his head with his flesh arm, closing his eyes. “Just relax.”

“Yeah, okay, relax.” Steve flopped down next to him, pillowing his head on Bucky’s stomach. “Relax. I can do that.”

“That’s right, sweetheart,” Bucky whispered as he drifted off to sleep.

——

Bucky awoke a couple of hours later to his metal arm recalibrating and twisting around of its own volition. He frowned over at it.

“Stop,” he muttered.

The arm kept moving, plates shifting around his bicep.

“The hell?” Bucky shoved Steve off of him and sat up to poke at the arm with his flesh hand. “What the hell?”

“Come back to bed, Buck,” Steve slurred before breaking off into a snore.

“What the fuck?” Bucky whispered. He reached under his armpit to press the fingerprint-activated release button which would allow him to open up the plates and see what was malfunctioning. Carefully, he eased up a plate near his bicep and looked inside.

It was the missing worm.

“ _Fuck!_ ” Bucky leapt to his feet and pulled the offending worm out of his arm, flinging it into the water with prejudice. He closed his arm back up and stood silently for a while, hands on his hips and face tilted toward the heavens, willing himself not to throw up. “ _Vey iz mir_ ,” he breathed.

“Bucky? Whassit?”

“Nothing.”

“Y’kay?”

“I’m fine.” If he told Steve what had happened, he’d be subjected to the puppy dog eyes for the duration of their trip and he couldn’t deal with that. “Weird dream.”

“Hmm.” Steve sat up and stretched with a mighty yawn. He grabbed his fishing pole. “No fish? Maybe we need new worms?”

Bucky closed his eyes and prayed that he could get through this trip without murdering anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of warning: Bucky gets a live worm stuck under the plate of his arm and pulls it out.
> 
> Comments and Kudos make me happy! I take prompts/ideas/requests!


	3. Lost in the Woods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to staunchlyblue for suggesting an idea for this chapter! <3

Once Bucky switched over to Stark’s manufactured lure, he caught a good sized trout. He chopped its head off and they took it back to camp.

“I’ll get the portable grill going if you can debone this bad boy,” Bucky said, handing the fish to Steve.

“Yessir.”

Smiling, pushing the Worm Incident firmly from his mind, Bucky pulled out the little electric grill that Stark had given them. He got it heated up and scrolled through his phone as Steve deboned the fish.

“You’re lookin’ a little red there, champ,” Bucky said offhandedly.

“You know I don’t get sunburnt no more.”

“I dunno about that.” Bucky nodded his head toward Steve’s chest. “Your tits are red.”

“Don’t call them that!” Steve flicked the fish guts off of his hands and pressed at his skin. Sure enough, he left a white handprint on his chest which slowly faded back to red. “Oh.”

“Told ya.” Bucky grabbed the fish and tossed it onto the grill.

“It don’t feel hot, though.” Steve pressed at the redness once more. “Hm. Oh well, it’ll go away.”

“Keep an eye on the fish,” Bucky said, turning back toward their car to find the special cleaning fluid for his metal arm. He pulled the bottle out and thoroughly flushed his arm with it, perhaps a little more generously than necessary, and immediately felt the ball of tension in his stomach unwind.

“I’m red on my legs, too,” came Steve’s voice from behind him. “I haven’t gotten sunburnt since the 40’s. Even when I first came out of the ice and Tony took me to Hawaii for a weekend! I wonder what’s happening.”

Bucky put the bottle back and turned to scowl at Steve. “Stark took you to Hawaii?”

“Oh,” Steve smiled, “yeah, it was nice.”

Bucky scowled some more. “Just keep an eye on the goddamn fish,” he snapped, visions of Stark with his hands on Steve flashing through his head.

“Gee, Buck,” Steve said softly, but kept quiet otherwise.

Bucky sighed. He knew he was being too harsh with Steve, but anytime something went wrong with his metal arm it bothered him deeply. Shuddering at he thought of the worm, he ducked back into the car to find some of the fruit he’d packed.

“Do you hear something, Buck?”

“No,” Bucky said.

“I thought I heard something out in the trees over there.”

“For the billionth time, Steve, we’re not in Nazi Germany,” Bucky said. “It’s probably a bird. There ain’t nothing to battle here and you gotta get used to it.” He found his apples and pulled them out. “Anyway— _Dammit Steve!_ ”

Steve, apparently investigating the sound, had wandered away and left the fish to burn. The burnt smell irritated Bucky’s nose and he sneezed violently as he went over to turn off the grill and dump the charred fish onto the ground.

“Steve!”

“Yeah?” Steve’s head poked out of some trees. He looked at Bucky, then down at the lump of burnt fish. “Oh.”

“We spent four hours catching this fuckin’ thing.” Bucky kicked the fish and sent it flying over toward Steve. “And you’re too busy trying to pick a fight with some imaginary enemy to keep an eye on it for three minutes!”

“Gee—”

“No! Don’t gee-golly-gosh at me!” Bucky snapped. “You dragged me up here to relax and we’ve only been here half a day and I’m already stressed out. And now you burnt our dinner!”

Steve’s eyes were very wide. He didn’t say a word.

“I’m goin’ for a swim,” Bucky said at last, stripping off his shirt. “You stay here and try not to fuck anything up.”

“Buck? I’m sorry.”

Bucky ignored him and stomped through the clearing and down the little path to the lake.

——

Bucky tossed another trout up onto the rocks. He was in the middle of the lake, diving down into the water and catching fish like the predator he was. It was a good way to unwind, he figured, floating his way back to the shore.

He felt awful for how he’d spoken to his Stevie. Steve hadn’t done anything to deserve Bucky’s snappish mood. Determined to make it right, Bucky pulled himself out of the water and gathered up the eight fish he’d caught for them.

Who needed a fishing pole? Not the Winter Soldier.

Boxers damp and hanging off his hips, Bucky trudged back to their camp and dumped the fish onto the cold grill in a heap, wanting to put some real clothes on before he set to cleaning and deboning them. He looked around for Steve.

“Stevie? You in the tent?”

Silence. Bucky put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and poked his head inside the tent.

Steve wasn’t there.

“Steve?” he called again, voice louder. “Come back, sweetheart, I’m sorry I snapped at you. I caught us some more fish.”

It was still quiet. Bucky grabbed his phone and checked it, but there were only a few messages from Sam and Natasha.

Alright, it wouldn’t be the first time Steve went off sniffing for trouble. He probably just went to clear a perimeter or whatever he liked to do in Captain America mode. The shield was still in the trunk, but Bucky knew Steve would handle himself with just his fists and his wits.

“Okay,” Bucky breathed out. “He’s fine. Probably climbing a tree or something, big knucklehead.”

He deboned and cleaned the fish in record time, anxiety making him work faster than usual. He tossed a few of them on the grill and sat back to scroll through his phone.

Still no sign of Steve.

——

The sun had just set, leaving the sky glowing dark blue, and Steve was still gone. Maybe it was time to search him out, Bucky thought worriedly. Reluctantly, he uncovered the secret compartment under the car’s back seat and revealed his Winter Soldier uniform and weapons.

“Dammit, Stevie,” he whispered, quickly outfitting himself in the uniform and securing a few guns and knives on his body. He pulled on his boots and hesitated a moment before sliding the mask over his face. “Some vacation this is.”

Tracking Steve’s big, lumbering steps was easy enough. Bucky picked his way through trees and bushes and spiderwebs for about a mile until he heard the low crackle of campfire and a murmur of voices. He carefully pulled a knife out of his boot, held it between his teeth, and scaled a tree.

“ _Spiders_ ,” he whispered hatefully when he had to slash through another web. “Steve, you better be held hostage, I swear to God.”

He was up high but he still couldn’t see very well. However he spotted a nearby campfire and some shadows. That’s when he heard it: Steve crying out.

_Stevie!_

Quickly, acting on instinct, Bucky slid the knife up his sleeve and launched himself from tree to tree. He leapt down to the perimeter of the campfire, landing neatly on his toes and unstrapping his rifle from his back in one fluid motion.

“ _Who wants to die tonight, motherfuckers?”_

It took a long, long moment before Bucky realized that he was pointing his gun at a group of kids.

“Shit!” he yelped, pointing the rifle down at the ground and immediately removing the clip. “What—What?! Steve, what?”

“Bucky!”

Baffled, Bucky looked over toward Steve’s voice and saw his husband holding a s’more in one hand and licking melted marshmallow off of the other.

“ _What?_ ”

“I knew you’d come!” Beaming, Steve bounced to his feet and came over to pull Bucky into a hug. Peering over Steve’s shoulder, Bucky saw about ten kids sitting around a campfire, all of them frozen and staring at him with wide eyes.

“You said a _bad word!_ ” one of the girls, a tiny thing with dark black pigtails, exclaimed, pointing at him.

“Shut up, _Annie_ ,” one of the boys said. “That’s the Winter Soldier and he’s the coolest. He gets to say bad words cause he’s the coolest ever.”

“What the hell?” Bucky whispered in Steve’s ear.

“I tried to call you, but there’s no service here,” Steve explained, pulling back from the hug. “I went out for a hike and got into a fight with a bear—”

“Oh, Stevie.”

“And then I heard these kids crying.” He gestured toward the group. “Their scout leader must have gotten separated and lost. I figured it would be good to keep them in the same spot for a bit in case the leader comes back.”

Bucky let out a massive sigh and unclipped the mask from his face. “Baby, I thought someone took you. Then I heard you—it sounded like you were in pain—”

“The marshmallow melted onto my hand.” Steve held up a reddened hand. “I’m fine, see?”

Bucky stepped forward and leaned his forehead on Steve’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I snapped at you,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I love you.”

“My babydoll,” Bucky said, kissing Steve’s neck. “So,” he straightened up and gestured toward the kids, “what do we do with these rugrats?”

“Hi Mister Winter Soldier!” one of the boys said, walking straight up to Bucky and beaming with a gap-toothed grin. “I’m Aaron and this is the Boy Scouts and that’s the Girl Scouts and we’re doing a _group outing_ and learning survival and our leader Miss Hannah got lost and Captain America saved us.”

Bucky blinked.

“You’re my favorite superhero, wanna see?” Aaron continued, pushing his sleeve up to show Bucky a faded _Winter Soldier Says Stay in School!_ temporary tattoo on his wrist. “My mommy said I can’t be you for Halloween, though, cause you got guns and she says guns are in’proprit.”

“Um. Okay, kiddo. Real nice to meet you.”

“He doesn’t want to talk to you, _Aaron.”_ One of the girls, her blond hair held in place by sparkly princess hair clips, came up and put her hands on her hips. “I’m Kelsey and I sold the most Girl Scout Cookies this year,” she said proudly, showing Bucky a badge on her little green vest. “And _I_ have a box of Thin Mints.”

“Okay,” Bucky said. The girl scurried off and dug around in her Frozen backpack, then ran back and presented him with a green box of cookies.

“You can have them,” she declared. “You look like you need something happy.”

“Thank…you?” Bucky plucked the box out of her hands and stared down at it. “Steve, it’s getting dark. What do we do with them?”

“I guess we’ll have got take them back with us,” Steve sighed, allowing one of the boys to climb up him and hang off of his bicep like a monkey. “We can call someone once our phones start working.”

“The leader is somewhere out there,” Bucky said worriedly.

“I know.” Steve pursed his lips. “And something tells me Miss Hannah probably can’t fight off a bear.”

“Damn,” Bucky whispered, glaring out into the night. “Too bad Nat isn’t here. She’s better at tracking than I am.”

“Let’s just hunker down for another hour,” Steve suggested. “Get the kids to sing, maybe. If we make a lot of noise, maybe she’ll be able to hear us. Remember that time in Nazi Germany…”

Bucky tuned Steve out and squinted around at the trees, looking for any signs of the missing woman. He couldn’t see anything and cursed himself for not bringing his night-vision goggles.

“Hey, Mister Winter Soldier?” one of the girls asked.

“Yeah?” he grunted.

“Do you wanna make a bracelet with me?” She held up a ziplock bag full of beads.

Bucky shrugged. “Alright.”

——

Bucky was wearing seven bracelets, a necklace, and a flower crown by the time Miss Hannah stumbled her way back into the camp. Immediately, he got up and loomed over her.

“Where. Were. You.”

The woman, very young with dark skin and curly black hair, squeaked at him. Steve shoved him away and smiled at her.

“Did you get lost, Miss?”

“Yeah. I went to go to the bathroom and got turned around,” she panted. “Are my kids okay?”

“They’re fine,” Steve soothed. “Are you okay? Here, drink some water.”

“I would have been better if I hadn’t left my compass here,” she said wryly. She chugged down half a canteen, pulled it away, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “Are you…Oh my God! _You’re Captain America!_ ”

Steve blushed. Bucky rolled his eyes and turned back toward the boys, who had begun wrestling each other over the last Thin Mint.

“Thank you so much for taking care of my kids,” she continued, voice shaky.

“You’re welcome, ma’am. It’s all part of the job.”

“And… _Sergeant Barnes!_ ” Hannah rushed past Steve and stood in front of Bucky, vibrating with excitement. She held her hand out. “It’s an honor, Sir, really an honor. I’m writing my college thesis on you!”

He cracked a smile and shook her hand. “Aw, I ain’t that interesting.”

She kept vibrating in excitement. “Yes you are! You’re the longest-serving POW and the most skilled sniper in American military history! I’m getting my Ph. D so I can design and teach a course about you!”

Bucky preened a little. “Well, if you put it that way,” he said. “How about we get you and the kids back to your campsite and I’ll give you my card. I’ll bet an exclusive interview will give your thesis a little more weight.”

——

Once they made sure Hannah made it back to the campsite, they left her to take care of the kids and trudged back toward their car.

“That’s a real cute bracelet, Buck.”

“Shove it, Rogers,” Bucky laughed, setting his flower crown atop Steve’s head.

“How did it feel to meet your number one fan?”

“She’s a nice girl. I’ll have my intern set up an interview, help her out.” Bucky sent a quick text off to his intern Eric once they approached their campsite and his cellular service reconnected. “But sometimes these damn fans stress me out, expecting me to be like…a….comic…book,” he trailed off, coming to a stop as they stepped into their clearing. “…Hero.”

The car was gone.


	4. Homeward Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grumpy Bucky hits new levels of Grump. Steve regrets not putting on bug spray. They meet a few interesting characters.

“Where the _fuck_ is the car?”

Bucky prowled around their campsite, inspecting the tire marks and the area where the SUV had been parked just three hours ago. The clearing was so agitated that it was hard to distinguish what had happened.

“Did you leave the keys in it?” Steve asked.

“No; they’re in my pocket.” Bucky shook his head helplessly. “What the fuck?”

“Maybe someone hot-wired it,” Steve muttered. “I think Tony can locate it with GPS.”

“We’re stranded out here, Steve!” Bucky exclaimed. “All my snacks and bug spray and clothes were in the trunk! Now I’m stuck in this getup,” he gestured down at his Winter Soldier uniform.

“My _shield_ was in there,” Steve groaned. “This is bad. Call Tony.”

Bucky pulled out his phone and scrolled around for Stark’s number. Right as he pressed the call button, the phone went dead.

“...Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Does your phone have battery?”

Steve’s eyes widened. He fumbled in his little fanny pack and pulled out his phone. The look on his face was enough to answer Bucky’s question.

“Great.” Bucky sat down on the ground and buried his face in his hands. “We’re stuck in the middle of fuck-off nowhere with no car, no phone, no shield, and no pajamas. And no lube, so I can’t even do you.”

“I’m all sweaty and gross.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said hungrily, eyes roving over Steve’s body. “ _Exactly_.”

Steve flushed and crossed his arms. “Nasty. Stop it. Let’s go back to Hannah.”

“She was putting the kids on a bus, _Stíofán_! They’re long gone!”

“Well, we can’t just sit around and pout, _Yakov!_ ”

Bucky kept his face hidden. After a few moments, he heard Steve thump down next to him. “What now?”

“You’re the tactician; you tell me.”

“Well,” Steve said quietly, “I think we should try to sleep for a while. Then we head southeast until we hit that little town.”

“That’ll take us days.”

“I know.” Steve leaned into Bucky’s side. “You have any other ideas?”

Bucky turned to press a kiss into Steve’s hair. “Sleeping is good. And we still have the grill. When we wake up, I’ll catch us some more fish and we can eat. Then I say we climb a tree and try to find some other campers to help us.”

“Okay, Buck.”

Bucky rubbed Steve’s back and hauled himself to his feet with a grunt. “C’mon, doll. At least we’re not gettin’ shot at by Nazis, right?”

“That’s true,” Steve said, following Bucky into the tent. “We’ll figure something out.”

——

“Do you want to climb the tree?”

Steve finished his last bit of trout and shrugged over at Bucky. “If you want me to.”

“Yeah, get on up there, monkey-boy.” Bucky smacked Steve’s ass and gestured toward the tallest tree in the area. “Be careful.”

“Always careful.” Steve bolted over to the tree and scaled it like a bear. He disappeared into the leaves.

“See anything?” Bucky called, hands on his hips.

“Yeah! Northwest. Some kind of RV, probably two miles out!”

Bucky smiled, relieved. “Great. Get down here and we can head out.”

They left their things in a neat stack next to their campsite, vowing to come back later to pick up after themselves. Bucky was strapped into his uniform with his rifle but forwent the mask. Steve was still wearing a Smoky the Bear shirt and a pair of khaki shorts.

“Fine pair we make,” Bucky said, pulling out a knife to hack through some bushes. “Probably looks like I kidnapped you.”

“Probably,” Steve agreed. He stumbled over a bush, the leaves scraping up against his bare calves. “God, I can’t wait to get back to the city.”

“I told ya camping would be shit. We should have gone to Hawaii.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Steve rubbed at his thighs and grimaced. “Jeez. These plants sure are rough on the skin.” He slapped the back of his neck and grimaced at the crushed mosquito on his palm. “And these bugs sure like me.”

“The bugs wouldn’t be chewin’ you up if you’d put on some bug spray like I told ya. I’ll rub some calamine lotion on you when we get home.” The knife was insufficient, Bucky decided. He pocketed it and pulled a machete out of a holster on his thigh. Leading the way, he hacked and cut through the densely packed bushes and ignored Steve’s whining and hissing behind him. They slowed down when they finally heard voices ahead of them.

“Alright, you get in front so we don’t spook them,” Bucky said, shoving Steve ahead of him. “Do your Captain America thing.”

Steve saluted him and led their way into the clearing. A large RV was set up next to a creek. In front of it were three rough-looking middle aged men sitting on lawn chairs and playing a game of cards, beer cans and cigars in hand.

“Hey, fellas.”

The men all looked up at Steve. One of them, a huge scruffy guy with shrewd brown eyes and a long beard, stood up and approached them.

“Hey, stranger” the man said gruffly. “Can we help you?”

“Uh, yeah,” Steve stammered. “My name’s Steve and this is my hus— _friend_ James. Our car got stolen and we were wondering if we could use your phone to call our friend for help.”

“We don’t bring our phones out hunting,” the guy said, crossing his arms.

“Okay,” Steve said carefully. “Well. Could we hitch a ride with you fellas down to the main road?”

“Hmm,” the guy said, eyes running over Steve’s face critically. “I dunno, _Steve_. Couple of strange guys in the forest, lookin’ to hitch a ride? Sounds mighty suspicious to me. How do I know you don’t wanna steal our stuff? Your friend there looks like some kinda killer.”

“Mighty suspicious,” another one of the men, a wiry fellow with a scarred face, echoed.

“Look, pal,” Bucky said, stepping forward and elbowing Steve aside, “can’t you just help us out? We’re stuck in the middle of fuckin’ nowhere.”

The guy raised an eyebrow at Bucky, taking in the rifle strapped to his back. “What’s your story, soldier?”

Bucky narrowed his eyes. “How long you got?”

“All day, partner.” He extended his hand toward Bucky and cracked a smile. “Rick. Those are my pals, Bob and Mickey. We’re out here on a huntin’ trip, getting away from the wives. You understand.”

“Do I ever,” Bucky answered, shaking the man’s hand.

“Come sit with us, have a beer. You two look rough,” Rick said, nodding toward the other men. “You play poker?”

“I’ll clean you out.”

“I’d like to see you try, fella.”

——

Bucky collected the last of his winnings and leaned back with a smirk.

“That’s a fine piece of machinery you got there,” the wiry man, Mickey, said. He pointed at Bucky’s rifle.

“Thanks. Built her myself.” Bucky readjusted his gloves to make sure his prosthetic wasn’t showing.

“You come out huntin’ with something like that?”

“Always huntin’ something,” Bucky answered.

Bob, a rotund man with a scraggly beard and crooked teeth, whistled. “Rifle like that can’t be legal,” he said.

“Don’t care,” Bucky shrugged, sending the men into a round of cheers. He slung an arm around Steve and leaned back. The laughter died down and Bucky popped open another beer.

“I shot me a moose up in Canada last year,” Mikey said. “Got his head mounted on the wall in my garage on account of the wife won’t let me put him out in our livin’ room. I say to her, the government is gonna come take everything away from us eventually, might as well enjoy our freedom while we got it.”

“…Okay,” Steve said.

“You ever shoot a moose, son?” Bob asked Bucky. “You look like the type.”

Bucky thought about that one time he’d ripped the head off a Hydra deer-robot in Germany. “Something like that,” he said lightly.

“Hmm,” Rick said, looking between him and Steve. “So. How do you two know each other?”

“School,” Steve answered, right as Bucky said, “Work.” They glared at one another.

“Those two are awful different,” Rick observed, lighting a new cigar. “You seem close.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said. He gave Steve’s shoulder a rough pat. “Like brothers.”

“Brothers,” Bob echoed.

“Yep,” Steve said. “Brothers.”

“You know what I think?” Rick asked, leaning forward with a sharp grin. “I think you’re lyin’ to me.”

Shit. Bucky very, very slowly inched his right hand toward his rifle.

“Yeah,” Rick said. “You two are a couple, aren’t ya?”

“Look, pal,” Steve said quickly, “we don’t want any trouble—”

“I’m the head of the local PFLAG,” Rick continued, pulling a rainbow-colored card out of his wallet and handing it to Bucky. “My son is gay— I walked in on him lookin’ at some dirty Captain America comics and I started to get real involved in being an ally. And Mikey and Bob’s daughters are dating—that’s how we all met. If you ever need support, give us a call. Some of the folks up here ain’t so nice to fellas like you.”

“The group is very supportive,” Mikey confirmed with a nod.

Bucky blinked. Steve cleared his throat.

“Anyhow,” Rick said. “Didn’t you two fellas need a lift somewhere? Let’s get goin’ before I open another beer.”

——

“Thanks, Rick!” Bucky waved.

“Give us a call next time you’re in town!” Rick waved and pulled the RV back onto the road, giving a friendly honk on his way back up the mountain.

“Real swell guy.” Bucky said with a smile. He turned toward the gas station that they had been dropped off at. “Why don’t you go in and use the phone? I need to piss.”

Steve, still taken aback by their strange encounter with the mountain men, walked into the little store and approached the counter. An older woman with frizzy gray hair and a smoker’s cough nodded at him in greeting.

“Ma’am,” Steve said politely. “My friend and I have been stranded up here. May I please use your phone to call for help?”

“You gotta buy something,” she rasped at him.

“I—okay.” Fortunately, Steve had pocketed some of the money Bucky had won while playing poker. He grabbed a pack of gum and placed it on the counter.

“You gotta buy more that that, sugar,” she said.

“Okay.” He turned around and plucked a few bags of turkey jerky out of a display case. “Here.”

“More than that, honey.”

“Oh yeah?” Steve snatched up a nearby People Magazine and slid it in front of her. His face was on the cover. “There ya go. I can even sign it for you.”

She squinted at the magazine. Her eyes darted from it to Steve and back a few times, horror dawning on her face. “Oh my God,” she whispered. “Captain!”

“Yep.” He forced a smile. “May I please use your phone? I need to call my friend Tony.”

“Tony Stark,” she whispered, shoving her old landline phone toward him. He gave her a polite nod and punched in Tony’s number.

“Yeah?” came Tony’s voice. “This better not be about the Captain America dakimakura. I already gave you guys the dimensions. I should buy out your company and teach you a thing about customer service.”

“What? No, Tony. It’s me.”

“ _Steve!_ ” Tony shouted after a beat. “Steve Rogers! Steven Grant Rogers! Do you know what you did?”

“Huh?”

“Guess who called me last night? Some grunt from the vehicle impoundment department, telling me _my SUV_ was towed for illegal parking in a protected wildlife preserve!”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh!”

“Well,” Steve shuffled his feet around sheepishly. “We’re stuck up here. Can you send a car or something?”

“I should leave you up there!”

“Tony!” Steve itched at his chest and thighs. “C’mon, I’m all bitten up by bugs and my thighs are burning real bad.”

“Jesus Christ, don’t talk to me about your thighs!”

“Tony, please, I just wanna come home.”

A deep sigh. “Alright, but just because you’re pretty.” There was some typing and a few beeps in the background. “I’m sending a quinjet to your location. ETA ten minutes. Can you stay out of trouble for that long or should I send Thor up to babysit you?”

“Thanks,” Steve mumbled. He hung up the phone, cheeks flushed, and slid a ten dollar bill across to the woman. “Thank you, ma’am. Keep the change.”

“You get a hold of Stark?” Bucky asked, stomping into the shop. The woman squeaked.

“Yeah, he’s sending a jet for us.”

“What happened to the fuckin’ car?” Bucky grabbed three small bags of Funyuns and plopped them down on the counter.

“It got towed cause _you_ parked in a wildlife reserve, nitwit!”

“You’re the one who dragged me on this goddamned trip, Stevie!”

“Six seventy-five,” the woman said.

“Six seventy-five!” Bucky pulled the exact change out of his pocket and slid it over. “Six seventy-five for a few packets of chips, lady, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“It’s the price,” she said with a scowl.

“You throw in a pack of gum and I’ll give ya seven—”

“We’re not in 1940 Brownsville, Buck, you sound like your Pa,” Steve hissed. “I’m sorry ma’am.”

“Get out of my shop,” she answered.

“And look at you, smartass!” Bucky fretted, pointing at Steve’s bright red thighs. “You’re all chewed up and red! Lady, you got any calamine lotion?”

“ _Buck_ ,” Steve groaned.

“I’m sorry, no,” the woman said curtly, and Bucky snatched up his Funyuns and stomped back out the door. Steve trailed after him, dragging his feet, eyes on the ground.

“This has been a bust,” Bucky said as he shoved a handful of his unhealthy snack into his mouth.

Steve shuffled one foot in the dirt. “I’m sorry, Buck.” He tucked his own snacks into his fanny pack with a sigh, too disappointed to be hungry.

“Next time maybe you’ll listen to me when I tell ya you’ve got a dumb idea.”

Downtrodden, Steve just stared down at his feet and rubbed at his reddened arms. He startled a moment later when he heard the shopkeeper calling out for him.

“Captain,” she said tentatively, holding out her phone, “it’s, uh, it’s him. Again. He’s awful rude, isn’t he?”

“Oh.” Steve took the phone, frowning. “Tony?”

“Yeah, uh,” Steve heard some banging in the background of where Tony was, “we kind of have an Avengers emergency down here, Cap. You remember Emo Bat Guy?”

“…Yes?”

“Well, he’s fighting Red Cape Guy downtown and they’re making a big mess of things, crying at each other and stuff. Maybe they’re breaking up again? We need to scramble all of our resources. So, ah, _dammit Hawkeye_ —”

“So we’re stuck up here?!” Steve exclaimed.

“Just maybe wait it out? You know how these two are, they might go on all day. Oh! Oh, here comes Electric Whip Lady. Oh, she looks _pissed_. Gotta go, baby cakes! I’ll try to—”

Tony’s voice was cut off and the phone beeped at Steve. Slowly, he handed it back to the cashier.

“Ma’am.” he said.

“Yeah,” she answered warily.

“I don’t suppose we could bother you for a ride downstate?”

“Get out of my shop,” she said.

“Yes, ma’am.” Steve shuffled away, still rubbing at his red arms, and approached Bucky with his shoulders slumped and eyes on the ground. “Buck.”

“Hm?” Bucky tore into his second bag of Funyuns and stared up at the sky.

“He ain’t coming. Avengers emergency. No jets available.”

Steve watched as Bucky’s shoulders tensed, his metal fist clenched around the Funyuns, then he did that little jaw-twitch that he only ever did when was beyond irritated. Bucky turned to him, eyes ablaze, just as a van pulled into the parking lot.

“You,” Bucky said, pointing at Steve’s face. “Go. Van. Talk. Get us out of here.”

Steve took a deep breath and turned toward the van, readying himself to lay on the Captain America charm as thickly as needed to get them back home.

Surely these folks would help them, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Grumpy Bucky hits his peak, Steve gets some calamine lotion, they run into a few more interesting people.
> 
> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! I take prompts and requests as well!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated!


End file.
